Back to the nest
Article By: Jennifer Gruden
You've got plans to turn your child's former bedroom into a sewing retreat, but when you get back from negotiating over the price of that new table for your serger, there's a message waiting: "Mum... Rachel and I just broke up. Can I come live at home for a few months?"
If you have an adult child who wants to live at home with you, you're not alone. Statistics Canada provides the proof after the 2001 census: "Over the last two decades, one of the trends for young adults in Canada is their growing tendency to remain in (or return to) the parental home. The census showed that 41% of the 3.8 million young adults aged 20 to 29 lived with their parents in 2001, a large increase from 27% in 1981."
The reasons may be economic, with jobs scarcer and rents higher. They may also be social, with more common-law and marital relationships ending, often casting one or both members of the relationship back to their parents' homes. And some analysts have speculated that it may just be that kids are accustomed to luxury: why would a 24 year old live in a small dingy apartment when he or she can live in a beautiful home with an in-ground pool - and enjoy home-cooked meals.
Whichever theory seems right, it's small consolation if you're trying to navigate a child's return to the nest. While some parents see welcoming a child back into their home as natural and something to celebrate, others feel a sense of failure, or annoyance that their hard-earned new lifestyle as empty nesters is disrupted. And many feel something in between. "I've been glad to help out my daughter," says Bea, 56, whose daughter, Laura, 29, has just moved out following two years of condo-sharing after a difficult period of unemployment. "But I also feel like I've put my own life on hold. I haven't wanted to invite friends over for dinner or travel as much, because I didn't want her to feel left out or like I was rubbing her limited income in her face."
"Mom's been great," says Laura, "But some months I felt like I was losing IQ points. It was hard to go into an interview and take charge, knowing that my mother was paying the bills - I felt like such a screw-up." It's hard to know what's likely to help and what might create problems. And oh, the problems that can arise when an adult child returns home - at times you may feel like they're teenagers again, and they may feel like they are as well!
What to consider
Old patterns can be hard to break. If your adult children return home you may find yourself leaning towards the role of advice giver/disciplinarian, and your child may begin to behave as if he or she is 13 all over again. This can raise everyone's stress levels tremendously! Also, if your child is returning home for difficult reasons such as unemployment or a divorce, he or she may feel angry and frustrated, or depressed and needy.
Depending on when the request arrives, you may find you have to change plans to downsize or give up privacy and time and energy. On the other hand, you will have a renewed chance to build strong family ties and enjoy the company of your child on a regular basis. Here are some things that you should keep in mind when you decide whether to say yes or no:
Does this mean giving up my own goals (to travel, to downsize)? Am I willing to make this sacrifice, and for how long?
Am I prepared to respect my child's autonomy? Am I ready to avoid giving advice or treating my adult child like a child - refrain from commenting on things such as clothing, leisure time activities, and choice of friends?
What do I expect from my child in return? Expecting your child to share in responsibilities as another adult member of the household will help in two ways - to lower resentment and also to prepare them for eventually moving on.
House rules are key
The best way to set all of you up for success is to sit down and agree on all the ground rules from the start. Some important areas to consider:
Privacy - how will each of you ensure that there is a reasonable degree of privacy for everyone? It's not just adult children who have concerns - parents too can have grown used to their business no longer being family business. Included in the idea of privacy is what kind of notification you expect if your child is staying out late or all night.
Chores - everyone who lives in the home should contribute to the chores around the house. It's best to lay out clear responsibilities and timelines.
Groceries and food - this can be especially important if grown children arrive with grandchildren in tow. How will the grocery bill, meal preparation, and meal scheduling be handled?
Rent or utilities-sharing - for most adult children, charging some rent is a good idea. It encourages responsibility for the child, acknowledges that having another person in the house has an impact on the bills, and can keep resentment to a minimum. Of course there may be circumstances that make this difficult, but it's best to at least talk about it. Also discuss whether you expect your child to pay for his or her own phone line, Internet access, cable television, etc.
Guests, overnight and otherwise - it's important to make clear what your expectations are about guests and dating while your child lives at home. It is important not to judge your child's choices, but equally important that you do not have to live with people in your home with whom you are uncomfortable.
Regular check-ins - have a family meeting once a month to discuss how things are going, so that any problems are addressed in a timely way and don't build up until there are bitter feelings. This is also a good time to express appreciation for extra help.
Grandchildren are wonderful - and complicate things
It can be especially hard when a divorced or separated child arrives with grandchildren. It can be difficult to know where to step in, and how to approach joint childrearing. Some of the tools are the same - sit down and negotiate in advance some of the boundaries. But what is more important is to always keep in mind that you are the grandparent - not the parent. You will have to step back and let your child remain the head of his or her own family. Some things to consider in advance:
Babysitting - moving in with you should not mean getting you become a free nanny service. You decide when and if you are willing to provide free child care, and beyond that charge a reasonable rate, or say no.
Discipline - you will have to follow your child's wishes for what methods of discipline are appropriate - time-outs vs. spanking, for example. At the same time it will be important to set the rules for the house - if it is not all right with you if the kids eat on the couch, talk to your child about it.
United front - don't contradict your child in front of your grandchildren, and don't sneak them treats or other forbidden privileges (except perhaps every great once in a while).
Space - be clear on how much baby or childproofing is possible in your home. Obviously safety is the first consideration, but is there a way to maintain adult space by keeping several rooms off-limits?
Re-launching into the world
One of the most important aspects of bringing adult children back into the home is setting a goal for their eventual move back into their own space. You should set a clear time limit on your help, even if it is several years into the future - unless you intend to make the arrangement permanent.
Think hard before you renegotiate this date - certainly it may be that your child needs a little longer, but if you change it more than once it is the same as not having a deadline at all. It may be more helpful in the long run, if you can afford it, to pay your child's first and last month's rent (deposit) on a new place than to give them a little more time to save up.
Although the issues and concerns can seem overwhelming, keep in mind that a family is a unit which supports all the individuals within it. If your child is asking to come back, chances are good that you have provided them with a sense of a safety net, which is a gift at any age - whether they stay for six months, or not at all.
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